The Chronically Stressed, Eldest Daughter, High-Functioning, Highly-Sensitive Virgo
As a child, I loved to perform. I loved being on stage in different theatre productions. While I was excited to be on stage, I also felt nervous. What if someone forgot their lines? What if I got too hot? What if something was messed up? So, I decided to take it all on myself. Actually, it didn’t really feel like a choice. It was just something that I did.
I learned everyone’s lines, I brought extra clothes, I made sure I knew everyone’s position and where all the props were supposed to be. And, the crazy part is that I believed that this was normal. Didn’t everyone do that? Wasn’t nervousness a state of being for everyone else also?
It wasn’t until I reached my teenage years that I learned about anxiety. The little (big) sucker that seemed to follow me wherever I went. At that time, I didn’t have the self-awareness or tools to be able to manage the stress I was feeling in a healthy and sustainable way so I turned to more (as I learned later in therapy) “maladaptive” coping mechanisms including but not limited to, disordered eating, rage, excessive fear & worry, need for control, INTENSE social anxiety, and having a very hard time with commitment (I went to 3 high schools, plus spent 4 months in France.)
I felt like I was different, I felt like there was something wrong with me, and in a lot of situations, I also received that feedback. Rejected from jobs, broken friendships & relationships, the intense fear that if I wasn’t perfect, I would be forgotten. Safety in relationships was not something that I realized I was missing until I was in my twenties.
When I was 24, for the first time ever, I had a singular friendship that felt safe. I could show up however I wanted or needed, and was always embraced with open arms. This friend wanted to hang out with me without having any agenda or needing anything from me! (This was a wild concept to me, and honestly still is at times.) I felt my body begin to settle, and for the first time ever, I began to feel comfortable in my own skin.
And then I found yoga, (or maybe it found me??)
I practiced the same hot yoga sequence every single day for the first 3 years that I started doing yoga. The same exact one. And, at that time, I loved it. What I didn’t realize was that I was offering my nervous system regulating and re-wiring techniques. I gave myself consistent, predictable, slow-paced, and intentional movement, and my body started to feel like a home, instead of a horrible vacation gone wrong with missed flights, and broken suitcases, and soiled linens, and food poisoning (maybe you can relate?)
My journey to become a therapist started when I began to be curious about my own story and my own sense of self. I started to study the human condition, not intentionally at first, but by exploring the ways that people show up in the world, without judgement. What fascinates me is the unique ability everyone has to try to make their worlds safe for their own stories, their own experiences, and their own bodies. What a gift it is to be able to sit with individuals who trust me with their stories. I never thought in a million years that little old me would hold such an honorable space. My point here is that we are all humans, we are all imperfect perfect beings, and I’m always in your corner, cheering you on.
My goal as a therapist is to support you to recognize that by gaining self-compassion, self-awareness, and acceptance, everything you need to heal is already within.
Be Well, My Friends
